Brave women

Recently, I have been thinking about the times I was in search of answers and someone who could help me understand.  The need to have adult conversations about anything from life, faith, kids, my husband and other big topics sometimes becomes pressing.  It is more difficult when your voice is small and conversation is not easy with others, but allowing others into my life  is so important.  It is hard for me to be vulnerable around others even though it is easy for me to cry.  Being in a book club, support group, and even going out with friends has allowed me to see we are not all so different in experiences.  It has shown me to see how others react to those experiences and even learn from them too. 

...

In January a woman celebrated 40 years of sobriety with a group of her peers.  A community of people who share an experience with alcohol addiction.  Without joining the group, maybe her long lived life would not be the same and the last 40 years would be very different.  However, she knew that she could not do it on her own and that she needed the support of others.   So, one day, she joined a group of strangers, and stood up in front of them and admitted her weakness for alcohol.   She asked for support, advice and help.  I cannot even imagine the strength it took to do that.

For 40 years, she has been a part of a family much bigger than herself.  With these people, she can share, build friendships, celebrate, and when times become difficult, she can lean on.  She was allowed and encouraged to show her weakness and example of how to stay sober.  By doing so, she came together with people that supported and upheld her.   Her time left on this earth is short, but that night she celebrated being sober.  She celebrated her brave decision to reveal her weakness that helped to pave the way to sobriety.

...

The other day, there was a bold advertisement in a social media platform for adult conversation and interaction.  When I read it, I instantly panicked.  Not for me, but for the young lady who posted it.  I was afraid that her plea for community would be looked upon as weakness and youthful recklessness.   And then I was afraid for her socially.  I assume most people think like I do, which I know is wrong, but it still floods my brain with the first response.  Being an introvert, I wanted her to press the erase button, take it back, say it was a joke.  But I knew in my heart it wasn't. 

No, it's not a joke to crave human interaction.  It's a mire of emotions when people respond and even when they don't respond to such questions.  Allowing others to hold my emotions hostage with their acceptance or rejection of my friendship and company has led to many dark days.

Once I finished my own mild panic attack, I thought about it some more.  All of the angst and fear suddenly turned to admiration.  That ability to just put it out there for others to see and act on a need so quickly,  -  is brave!  

Brave to show her need! 

Brave for being honest and taking off the mask! 

Brave for accepting what comes from it!

I wish I was that brave.

God has given this young lady a gift.  She is able to speak her mind and accept the answers.  She may not like them or be disappointed if nothing comes from the question, but she is at least willing to see if anyone else has that same need.  

I have thought about both scenarios several times of the last couple of weeks.   I thought of those who would judge youth, enthusiasm, and need for community as a weakness, even though they might be in the same situation.  I thought of those in the pews around me with many, many years of life experiences to share but have limited means to socialize.   I thought of my own journey, when it was dark and difficult and I was unable to speak up.  I thought of the woman in the support group who is celebrating 40 years of commitment and how different her life might be if she had not found a group of people  to share with. 

A part of the sermon a couple of weeks ago was about Jesus' community and when He was baptized, even though He did not need to be.  He was without sin, but He chose to be baptized for OUR sins.  He was contrite for our sins - then and now.   He knew that we would be affected by sin and would not repent for hateful thoughts and words that are said, for things we have done and for those we have left undone. 

He didn't wait for us to be perfect before He forgave us.  He knew we wouldn't be perfect, couldn't be perfect.  We are by nature sinful and unclean.  He loved us while we were yet sinners and still laid down His own life for us.  This similar reflection of love is mirrored the support group of my friend.  That group of people has loved her and supported her even when though she was broken and weak, year after year.  She could be herself in the group and not be judged because they were all in the same situation.   I feel like we should have more of these types of communities, where we can feel safe and vulnerable with each other and not have to hide or seek out others to join us.  A place where we are all sinners and are not judged for our sins, but rather raise each other up, pray for each other and support on another in life.

I will admit that there was a time or two that morning that the thoughts that filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks were of God's own selflessness, especially when we sang, What is this Bread?  The words in this hymn are so raw but so beautiful.

My sin has been covered with Jesus' blood.  He died for me.  He was contrite for me.  His sins were forgiven for me.  This is so very beautiful.  This is worth sharing in my community.

Lord, please help my timid heart to be more open.  You are the perfect example from which I can draw of strength and community sending your own disciples out to be fishers of men.  You ask us to tell others of your Glory and to come to you with all things.  Lord open my heart and my mouth so that I may do this.  Amen.

My journey continues...

My journey lately, or the last 3 years anyway, has been full of ups and downs.  The last time I wrote was in October of 2014 to say goodbye to my Granny.  That was tough, but I knew her suffering was over and her new journey in heaven had begun.  I was happy for her but sad for all those she left behind.

Recently I have had a lot of dreams about her.  Dreams that have me preparing for her to come back because she is only away for a short time and everything needs to be in order.  I can’t make a mess in her kitchen or move things around because I know she will be annoyed.  I never actually see her in my dreams, but I know she is coming back.

I don’t know that I put a lot of stock into interpreting dreams, but this one has me puzzled.  A friend suggested that she is telling me it’s time to start writing again.  That she wants me to prepare myself to write again and that I am not getting ready for my Granny to return, but I am getting ready for my writing brain to return.  And ironically, I find myself in front of the computer screen writing.  It’s not as difficult as I had imagined it would be.

I may not be as fluent or as spiritual as I once was.  A lot has happened though.

My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer in October 2015.  A year after Granny passed.   My sister had just turned the magical age when mammograms start.  It was her first one.  Ever.  I had already had 3 and my first one was traumatic , but I warned her.  She knew the chances of being called back were good.  And they did call back.  But her results were different than mine.  She had a small cluster of cells that needed to be further analyzed.

It was cancer.  It was hard to understand.  It was an invasion into our family.  It was an invasion into her body.  About six weeks later she had surgery to remove the cells and after the new year, she started radiation.  I went with her to her appointment to explain what would happen.  There were a lot of details and things to consider and decisions.  It was a bit overwhelming.  But we sat there and listened and nodded and asked a few questions still numb from the information overload.  It was a good thing that I recorded it so she could play it back and listen again.

When treatments started, I went with her.  She was a trooper, a fighter, determined to kick cancer in the butt.  As they progressed and her body wore down, so did her spirit.  We would talk and they were not always pleasant conversations, but I was there and I listened and comforted, or tried to comfort the best I could.

Finally, the treatments were done, and she was done.  Not irreparably broken, but definitely broken.  She put on the good face though and trudged through the days for a while.  She was tired and her body hurt.   Her heart hurt.   Not one time did I ever hear her question God.  Maybe she had those conversations alone, but she always welcomed prayers and looked for spiritual healing as well.

That same October, a very good friend of mine was called to live in another state to do the Lord’s work there.  She had led me to devotions and books and a yearning for more.  We had many discussions regarding books and life and kids in groups and just between us.  She encouraged me to write and learn and I love her for that.

I still miss our walks and talks.  I miss her head cocked smile with concern in her eyes and her hugs.  But she is still just a phone call or email away.  It’s not the same, but what is the same is that she showed me that it’s ok to be weak and loved.  She showed me God’s mercy and love in ways that I never thought possible.  She helped to open my eyes to many possibilities.

When I write this next part, it’s important to understand that I do not blame any of these things on my current relationship with the Lord.   For I know that when I pray the Lord’s prayer, I ask for “Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.”   I believe those words, even when it’s hard.

I know that it is important to put in the time with any relationship and it takes work and commitment.   I have to tend to it and nurture it like a garden.  My current garden is full of weeds that I planted.  I put space between me and devotions.  I chose other things over reading the bible.  I neglected my prayers and I didn’t make room for Jesus.

But He still made room for me.  He still loves me and wants me to bring all of my sorrows and joys, tears and smiles to Him.  His mercy overshadows all that I did or didn’t do the last few years.  His grace is sufficient for me!  And those are all great reminders to pray to Him, talk to Him and let Him IN! 

So I sit here today, with open arms and a full heart, waiting for God’s unending love to surround me and fill me with peace.  I will go to Him.  I need Him.  And it’s ok that I have been weak and felt undeserving.  I have been cleansed by the Spirit in my baptism and I am a forgiven child of God each and every time I ask.  He is my rock and my salvation.

 

Dear Lord, please forgive me for my unbelief.  Help me to come to you with all things.  Open my heart to you and pour out your Holy Spirit on me, a poor, miserable sinner.   Amen

What does your journey look like?  How have you managed your relationship with God?

Goodbye for now...

 

I have to say goodbye this week to my Granny.  It’s a very hard thing to do.  The words will not come, but the tears and emotions flow easily.  The memories of our times spent together are overflowing my senses.  Sometimes they comfort me and other times, I just curl up into a ball and let them all out on my pillow.  But whatever the emotion, I know in my heart that Granny is happy now.  She is with Jesus and Grandpa.

 

Some of my favorite memories

My Granny was a very proud Southern Lady.  She used to get after us as little girls for not wearing stockings to church because young ladies shouldn’t have bare legs.   

 

She always dressed for the occasion, complete with earrings and lipstick.  When I was younger, it was a bright pink lipstick that left a smudge on my cheek that I would quickly wipe away.  Now I would love to have that pink stain my cheek.

 

She made the best chocolate chip cookies in the world, but you couldn’t pin down her recipe, because it was always a pinch of this and a little of that.  She hasn’t made them in a while, but my mouth waters just thinking about them. 

 

When I was fairly young, she kept a candy dish on the TV in the living room, generally with the Brach’s flavored candies.  I would sneak one or two when I came in to use the rest room, which was often, because she had the best sweet tea, that we drank from Dixie cups!

 

Her character 

She will be missed but I am so glad that her sadness has ended.  I am blessed that she had a relationship with God and passed it down to her children and grandchildren so that I could grow up in a Christian home.  This is definitely the most precious gift she has ever given to me.  I can remember sitting in church on Sunday’s either directly in front of or right behind her and trying to act my very best.  Granny always thought that my sister and I were so polite and nice.  I didn’t want to disappoint her, even if I thought (knew) otherwise.

 

I think she has passed down some other things to me too.  Like her temperament; she was fairly reserved until she was mad, then you didn’t know what she was going to say.  She was stubborn but hated making decisions.   At the same time, she was kind and very polite, a sweet contradiction to her stubbornness and irritation.   But most of all, she loved children and they loved her.  And I can honestly say those same things about myself.

 

Some truths

Something that I cannot say about her, but I do know about myself, is that I am a crier.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and to see someone upset or distressed about losing a loved one will bring me quicker to tears than sneezing at pepper!  I cannot help it.  I know the Lord promised to be with us always, even unto death, but I will cry every time.  I know that we will be reunited in Heaven where He is preparing room for us, but right now, my Dad’s heart hurts, and I cannot stand it.  This is the first opportunity he has had to breathe in a while, and it’s painful without her.  Even though Granny is resting now, it’s also my Dad’s turn to rest and trust in the Lord that His will is being done.  It is Granny’s time to be with the Lord, no matter how much we are not ready to let her go.   We know these truths.  And yet, I cry.  Big sloppy, snotty crocodile tears.  And while it may not be lady like, it’s what I do.

 

Because of my relationship with the Lord, I know that death is only temporary, and someday, I will be reunited with Granny in heaven.   Until then, I will continue to praise the Lord for the gifts in my life, including my loved ones past and present, who journey with me along the way.  I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide and uphold us this week, so that we will continue to seek His truths and to rest and trust in Him.  He is our light and our salvation forever and ever.  Amen

 

 

 

 

To my Beautiful Pre-Teen Daughter

I see you.  And when I look at you, I see myself.  I see the same emotions clouding your thoughts.  I see the same reactions to life.  I see the same desires to do more, better, higher, faster.  I see kindness, love, faith, grace and Jesus' love.

 I see you.  I see you for who you are and who you want to be.  I see you grasping and reaching; gaining strength and knowledge, expanding your love for the Lord.  I see you maturing before my very eyes.  But young lady, don't be in too big of a hurry to grow up because time won't stop when you want it to.

 I see you.  Growing before my eyes.  I see the beautiful woman you will be, inside and out.  I see the lovely young lady you already are.  I see you and I love you.

 My dearest daughter, I see you.  I see all that lies before you.  The traps, the lies, the hurt.  The beauty, the truth, the joy.  It’s there.  All of it.  And I want you to experience all of it because it will define you and mold you and make you into the  person that God intends you to be.  The mother in me wants to keep all the bad and ugly away, but I know it will find you anyway.  And I know you can rise to the occasion and find your strength through God and fight through it with Him.

It’s ok to cry, to be upset, to be angry.  It’s equally ok to laugh, to feel joy and be happy.  Don’t allow others to give you permission to feel one way or another.  Think for yourself and express your opinions.  But that does not give you permission to be rude and bossy!  Good manners are always in style.

You are a fighter.  I can see that already in our power struggles.  You want to be right.  You need it.  You have a plan and everything needs to come together.  Perfection is divine.  But lovely daughter, there is only One who is perfect and though you were made in His likeness, it is not you.  Plan for excellence but expect less than perfect.  Don’t let the fallout define you.  Deal with the emotions, don’t suppress them.  Don’t let them rule you.  I speak from experience here.  Not just as your mother.

In our struggles of mother and daughter, always remember that I am the mom.  God has grown me into who I am just so that I can BE your mother.  He’s not done with either of us yet.  There will be ups and downs along the way, but sweet daughter, I pray more ups than downs.  I also pray that He will give me clarity, patience and knowledge of how best to nurture you as one of His children and one of mine.

Lord,
Please continue to bless this sweet daughter of mine with your eternal presence.  Fill her with knowledge, patience and peace in this ever changing world.  Grow us together in love and continue to blossom our relationship.  Open our eyes and our hearts and show us your way, your plan and your love and help us to accept it if it is not our own.  And Lord, please limit those power struggles between us, instead, help us to find words to communicate and express our concerns with each other and the world.  In your name I pray.  Amen

 

 

Alone

The other morning was beautiful.  Not the typical, blue sky, fluffy white clouds, bright sunshine kind of beauty.  But the slow, easy kind of beautiful.  The cool air was hanging heavy on the ground and the sun struggled to shine through it.  The dew was thick on the plants and they were slowly waking up too.   It was the best kind of morning to spend on my porch swing with a blanket on my lap and coffee in hand.  

The heaviness of the dew dragging the leaves down reminds me of how easily I allow Satan to bring me down and fall into his traps.  Life is hard and Satan tricks me into thinking it is TOO hard.  But it really isn’t.  God is here.  In this space, in my life, in my heart.  His strength is my strength.  His love is my love.  His spirit is my hope. His grace is sufficient.

I am never alone.  I have the Holy Spirit; gifted to me in my baptism.  I have the Shepherd  watching over me; tenderly and purposefully guiding my path.  I have the Word to look upon and soak into my soul every time I need it.

I have all these resources at my fingertips and in my heart, and yet sometimes, I feel completely alone. I can be surrounded by people and yet still feel like no one cares; like no one even notices me.  A wallflower, wilting in plain sight.

I understand that part of this is my own fault, but it doesn’t lessen the pain.  I have a quiet disposition and small talk is quite difficult.  It’s also very difficult for me to allow others in to my heart.  Wounded from past iniquities, I guard myself at a very high cost.   The cost of friendship and the vulnerability to be loved.

Vulnerability is my ultimate nemesis.  To allow someone to get close to me and let my guard down feels dangerous.  Not the exciting kind of dangerous that rushes throughout your body; but the paralyzing dangerous that precedes fear and hurt.  I realize how pessimistic and negative that sounds, and it's important to me that you also know that's not how I normally think.  However, I have been scorched by vulnerability, scalded by naivety and wounded by the truth too many times for not recognizing what it is.  What it was.  Staring me right in the eyes.

I have come to realize, that is one of Satan’s favorite traps for me.  He blinds me with feelings of pity and loneliness.  He deafens me with taunts of inadequacy.   He tempts me with false accusations and lies and I fall for them because it justifies my feelings.  The truth is loud and before me.  I have pushed away my peers and ....

I have to STOP!

I have to go back to the Word and remember the truth.  The real, unshakable truth.  I am not alone. God is with me and for me and has chosen me.  He chose this life for me and sends His Holy spirit daily to guide me along it's path.  And He has put some very special people in life with whom I am able to share life's ups and downs.  I am so grateful for them and for the God who loves me so.

Lord, thank you for your strength so that I might open my heart and share my feelings with others.   Help me to easily discern the dangers from the blessings.  Allow me to see your truth and know that I am not alone.  Amen

Psalm 71 English Standard Version (ESV)

Forsake Me Not When My Strength Is Spent

71 In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
    let me never be put to shame!
2 In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me;
    incline your ear to me, and save me!
3 Be to me a rock of refuge,
    to which I may continually come;
you have given the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.

4 Rescue me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of the unjust and cruel man.
5 For you, O Lord, are my hope,
    my trust, O Lord, from my youth.
6 Upon you I have leaned from before my birth;
    you are he who took me from my mother's womb.
My praise is continually of you.

7 I have been as a portent to many,
    but you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
    and with your glory all the day.
9 Do not cast me off in the time of old age;
    forsake me not when my strength is spent.
10 For my enemies speak concerning me;
    those who watch for my life consult together
11 and say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue and seize him,
    for there is none to deliver him.”

12 O God, be not far from me;
    O my God, make haste to help me!
13 May my accusers be put to shame and consumed;
    with scorn and disgrace may they be covered
    who seek my hurt.
14 But I will hope continually
    and will praise you yet more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteous acts,
    of your deeds of salvation all the day,
    for their number is past my knowledge.
16 With the mighty deeds of the Lord God I will come;
    I will remind them of your righteousness, yours alone.

17 O God, from my youth you have taught me,
    and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds.
18 So even to old age and gray hairs,
    O God, do not forsake me,
until I proclaim your might to another generation,
    your power to all those to come.
19 Your righteousness, O God,
    reaches the high heavens.
You who have done great things,
    O God, who is like you?
20 You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
    will revive me again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will bring me up again.
21 You will increase my greatness
    and comfort me again.

22 I will also praise you with the harp
    for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praises to you with the lyre,
    O Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy,
    when I sing praises to you;
    my soul also, which you have redeemed.
24 And my tongue will talk of your righteous help all the day long,
for they have been put to shame and disappointed
    who sought to do me hurt.

Because

Dared to do something big in faith, Jesus has called me to share this.

 

As a child, and even now as an adult, the worst answer I ever received to a question is “because”.  “Because” is not an answer.  It’s just something that is said when we don’t want to answer or don’t know the answer.  One could even say it to initiate an argument.   There is no logic behind this non-answer and it usually makes no sense.  It’s just something that is said when we don’t really know what to say.

Does it ever feel like your prayers are answered with this response?  Especially, when they are not answered and you know it’s something that God is so very capable of doing.  So, why does He hold back?  Why doesn’t He give us answers?  What have we done to deserve this lack of response?

I internalize everything, so naturally, a lack of response to me says, I’ve done it wrong and I need to try harder, pray harder, do something different because what I am doing, is not enough or even worse, it’s wrong.   I need to say it a different way.  I need to read the Bible more.  I need to go to church more.  You get the point.

Since I am not one to settle for “because”, I search for the answer.  Unfortunately, I look in the wrong places.  The answer is not anything I can give; it is only something that God can give.  The answer is not in me, it’s in God.    I am a shell without Him and I can do nothing on my own, so why do I think I can figure something out that only God knows?  Well, I guess I gave the answer in the question itself.  Only God knows why I think this way too!

Satan rather enjoys his time spent with me.  He flirts with my self esteem and tells me I am not good enough.  He manipulates my words so that they come out twisted and illogical and I have a hard time explaining.  He detunes my ears so that other’s words sounds more harsh than they are.  He zaps all of my energy so there is none to spare for family, or prayers or even God.

But even as much fun as Satan gets to have, he doesn’t get me.  I am not going to give up on God because He didn’t give up on me, and I have given him many reasons to do just that.  At my baptism, He promised to be with me always and God doesn’t break promises.  He is faithful and that gives me hope.

Sometimes prayers just aren’t answered in the way we want them answered.  There’s a bigger picture that we are not privy to just yet and until it’s all unfolded, we have to pray for patience and endurance to weather the storm.  We have to trust God and allow His will to be sufficient for us, even and including when His will is in direct conflict with our own.   And that my friends, is so very hard.

I have heard, that the ones who give the most encouragement, do so, because they too need encouraging. ..

So it seems I am here again, steeped in depression; surrounded by a darkness that chills my soul; unable to put into words the depths of sadness that tears at my heart.   I have struggled for quite a while with depression and I tell my friends and family that I am ok because I don’t want them to worry and I feel I have spared them by doing this.  But I don’t really think I am fooling anyone.  I pray relentlessly to get out of this pit that has darkened my spirit and yet relief is just out of my reach.  My soul aches for relief.  I know it can be given, but why am I not spared?  Are my sins any worse than others?  Why do some get relief and others do not?  What have I done?   Why am I being punished?  Why must I continue to suffer?

 And the timing of it all is so annoying.  This should be a time of celebration of the birth of our Savior, and I can do nothing but feel sadness.  I cannot get over myself and I feel selfish, agitated and angry.

But there is hope and there is grace and I can bathe in these things until relief is found.  Grace covers those bad feelings and questions that I throw at God accusing Him of not loving me enough.  He does love me enough.  He loves more than I could ever qualify.  He gave His son’s life for mine!  How could I ever question that?  And, I always have hope for relief of this burden because it will not always be this way.  One day, there will be no sadness or pain and I will not even remember these feelings.

 Until then, I will continue to pray.  Lord, please break up this darkness so that I may see the light again.  Pour out you love on me so that I may feel your grace.  Fill me with the Holy Spirit and guide me toward the truth.  Place those in my life that will encourage and counsel me back to You and Your light.  Help me to accept your will Lord.  Fill me with peace.

 

No situation is more hopeless than your Savior is graceful.  Ann Voskamp

 

Psalm 130

¹ Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
²     Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
    to my cry for mercy.

³ If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
    Lord, who could stand?
⁴ But with you there is forgiveness,
    so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

⁵ I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
    and in his word I put my hope.
⁶ I wait for the Lord
    more than watchmen wait for the morning,
    more than watchmen wait for the morning.

⁷ Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
    for with the Lord is unfailing love
    and with him is full redemption.
⁸ He himself will redeem Israel
    from all their sins.

Do not be silent, pray

Rest in Him when you are weak and weary

Call to Him when you need grace.

Find Him in the day so dreary

You are barely able to keep the pace.

He is there, listening and waiting

Ears wide open, His heart is full.

His arms extended, anticipating

The hearts desires that push and pull

Tell Him your heart song and your worry

Then leave it with Him, He has a plan.

No need to fret or panic in fury

Just rest, receive and listen, little lamb.

Your shepherd is near and hears your pleas

Do not be silent, and do not give in. 

Whether you sit or stand or fall to your knees

Allow His forgiveness to overpower sin.

  

 photo courtesy of http://www.brightok.net

You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.  Psalm 10:17


I have many friends struggling with something today.  My heart aches for them and I pray they find peace soon, but until then, I pray with them and for them sending them warm thoughts and hugs.